


Hard Times

by ConsiderableColors



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: A hopefully nuanced take on the internet and toxic communities, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Like it's critical of Tumblr but like. Beyond "these kids are on their phones too much", M/M, Mental Health Issues, Neil runs a mental health/shakespeare blog, Online Friendship, Online Relationship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Slow Burn, Social Media, Todd runs a poetryblr, Tumblr AU, Work In Progress, they fall in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28431270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsiderableColors/pseuds/ConsiderableColors
Summary: Neil has been running one of the most popular blogs on Tumblr. He's idolized. The go-to blog for advice. He's tired.Todd has been running a small blog with barely any attention. It's just how he likes it. Sure, he's thought about the idea of becoming popular. But it's not going to happen.Little do they know just how much they're going to change each other's lives.Aka, a tumblr AU.(Title taken from Hard Times by Paramore.)
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 29
Kudos: 28





	1. Neil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: referenced emotional abuse, discussion of suicide, mentioned discourse, and mentioned homophobia/transphobia.

Sometimes, Neil almost regrets what his blog has become. 

Robinshallrestoreamends is, first and foremost, a Shakespeare fanblog. That's what he made it for; reblogging incorrect quotes and memes and analysis. And, occasionally, his very own insights. At first, he had been nervous about making his own posts, but the three-hundred or so followers he had seemed to enjoy them well enough. Then, slowly but surely, three-hundred followers became three-thousand. 

His teachers DID always say they enjoyed his English essays.

And while he loved Shakespeare (the longest hyperfixation he'd EVER had), he found himself posting other things from time to time.

It had started with one little text post, a vent of sorts after a particularly unpleasant conversation with his father.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
In case anyone needs the reminder: Your grades don't determine your worth. You're more than a number on a paper.  
#puck.txt #delete later  
0 notes

He went to sleep. He forgot to delete it. He woke up to a lot of notifications.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
In case anyone needs the reminder: Your grades don't determine your worth. You're more than a number on a paper.  
#puck.txt #delete later  
5,296 notes

Antiqueroman reblogged your post: I actually really needed this

Outdamnedspot sent you a message: Ok r u a mind reader or smth bc this legit popped up on my dash exactly at the right time lmao

bonniessonnet sent you an ask: PERIOD

Transmasc-juliet reblogged your post: In case anyone needs the reminder!

It had been... Pretty encouraging. It felt like he had said something that mattered, for once in his life. He started posting more and more things, affirmations and vents. People started sending in asks that he wasn't sure how to answer, but couldn't make himself delete.

Anonymous sent you an ask: how did you realize you were beinf abused? my mom tyells a lot and calls me names and shit but idk if its just nornal or not...

Robinshallrestoreamends answered your ask: Honestly, everyone experiences abuse differently. From what you described, it could definitely be emotional abuse, but I can't really be the one to tell you. Either way, I hope things get better for you soon. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to talk.

Whatever Shakespeare posts he made went practically unnoticed, the three or four notes quickly getting covered by the hundreds of asks, messages, reblogs, and replies that now covered his notifications.

Robinshallrestoreamends now has over thirty-thousand followers. He's basically become a mental health and trauma support blog. And he loves helping people- honestly, he does. But waking up to someone telling him they want to kill themselves every morning is exhausting and terrifying. How is he supposed to talk down so many people when he can't even throw out the drawer of suicide notes in his dresser?

Sometimes, Neil really regrets what his blog has become. Thinks about deleting the whole thing. Deleting Tumblr. 

But it's the only place where he can talk about his problems. And he's the only one helping all these people. Deactivating this blog, he's certain, would be like deactivating hundreds of lives- including his own. 

It's fine. He'll manage. 

He has to.

For now, he's in bed, ignoring his schoolwork, ignoring the notifications that keep pouring in, ignoring his roommate's music blasting. 

He's just scrolling through tags, desperately trying to regain the feeling of community and belonging he had the first time he downloaded Tumblr. 

Right now, he's in the "lgbtq" tag, trying to avoid the seemingly-endless pile of discourse surrounding it. Every now and then, he'll find beautiful fanart for a fandom he's not in, or a comic of someone's personal experience, or a hesitant coming out post. Those sorts of posts make it all worth it, he thinks. 

A conservative boarding school in a conservative town featuring his conservative family makes the internet his only connection to the queer community. He can't lose that. Nothing could convince him to lose that.

He continues to scroll, liking an edit, blocking a terf, and stopping on a fairly short post.

Barbaricyawp  
To The Lost History Of Whitmans and Wildes:  
The world knows you  
It has read you  
And played you  
And written notes in the margins  
Of your cries  
It has studied you  
Accused you  
Picked you apart  
Psychologically

I see you every day  
On stages and in stores  
And on the lips of boys  
Sneaking kisses in the halls  
The world knows you  
But I do not

I'm fearful,  
Because if I don't know you  
How do I teach the world?  
If I don't teach the world  
How do I keep you alive?  
If I don't keep you alive,  
How do I stay alive?

If I don't know you,  
Who will?  
Who can?  
Who cares to?  
#poetryblr #poetsoftumblr #queerhistory #gay #lgbtq #originalpoetry #waltwhitman #oscarwilde #darkacademia #lightacademia #spilledink  
6 notes

Neil clicks off his phone, stunned. He sits there a minute, processing, before opening his phone and rereading.

It's beautiful. It's powerful.

It only has six fucking notes?

Immediately, he's hitting the reblog button, adding on "Everybody stop scrolling and read this."

Who knows if anyone actually will. But he has to try. 

He scrolls back up and clicks follow.

He wishes he could have the talent and impact that whoever Barbaricyawp is has.


	2. Todd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: Referenced mental health, anxiety, and Tumblr urls (aka slurs and such).

Barbaricyawp has a whopping nineteen followers. 

It's just how he likes it.

He posts a poem, and gets a couple notes. Sometimes, so rarely, he'll get a reblog that brings him an extra few likes. He's gotten a total of one message (not counting the bots that never seem to leave his blog alone). 

It's comforting, knowing that someone out there is listening to what he has to say. He wouldn't mind a few more followers. But he sort of likes the intimacy the blog provides. He only has a few followers, only follows a few blogs himself. He's one unknown poet in millions of unknown poets, all fighting over how many tags they can use, constantly checking their notifications, desperate for proof that they are here in the recognition that only anonymous users ever seem to provide.

No one's ever paid him attention. Not his family, not his teachers or peers, no one. He's used to it. 

Compared to the rest of his life, nineteen followers means he's practically famous.

Make that twenty.

He glances at the notification.

Robinshallrestoreamends reblogged your post.

Robinshallrestoreamends started following you.

He smiles a bit, something in his mind flickering in recognition. Ah. It's the end of A Midsummer Night's Dream. They just read that in class. He smiles. He has twenty followers. He should write something longer than normal, to celebrate. 

His phone pings again, and he glances. 

Transmasc-juliet started following you. 

Huh. Had he posted something in a Shakespeare tag recently? Maybe it was the dark academia tag? It was his first time using it.

Emptygirl99 reblogged your post.

Castielkinnie started following you.

Bpd-crowley reblogged your post.

Okay, it's definitely more than the dark academia tag. 

Leather-docs reblogged your post.

Flannelfag started following you. 

Dekudokidoki started following you.

Stayalive replied to your post: Anyone else here from @Robinshallrestoreamends?

Metallicpink started following you.

Logicalityiscanon replied to your post: @Stayalive Me!!

Fragiledonotbreak replied to your post: @Stayalive mood™

Carriescorner3 reblogged your post.

Aceelderprice started following you.

Shakyhands18 replied to your post:  
@Stayalive wait i thought i was the only one adjkvsajk

They're coming too quickly for him, or his phone, to keep up. The app crashes. Todd gives it a minute, then opens it again. 

He clicks on one of the notifications, panic filling him. Holy shit. What just happened?

Barbaricyawp  
To The Lost History Of Whitmans and Wildes:  
The world knows you  
It has read you  
And played you  
And written notes in the margins  
Of your cries  
It has studied you  
Accused you  
Picked you apart  
Psychologically

I see you every day  
On stages and in stores  
And on the lips of boys  
Sneaking kisses in the halls  
The world knows you  
But I do not

I'm fearful,  
Because if I don't know you  
How do I teach the world?  
If I don't teach the world  
How do I keep you alive?  
If I don't keep you alive,  
How do I stay alive?

If I don't know you,  
Who will?  
Who can?  
Who cares to?  
#poetryblr #poetsoftumblr #queerhistory #gay #lgbtq #originalpoetry #waltwhitman #oscarwilde #darkacademia #lightacademia #spilledink  
13,741 notes

What the hell? 

Who the hell is Robinshallrestoreamends?

He types the name quickly, clicking the profile. Immediately, he wants to slap himself. 

This is one of the most popular blogs on Tumblr.

How did he not recognize it?

He's seen the url on his dash plenty of times, shitposts and mini-essays, but mostly posts about anxiety or mental health. Stuff like that.

He'd never seen him reblog poetry before.

He's flattered.

He's terrified.

He's excited.

He's thrilled.

He's ecstatic.

He's having an anxiety attack.

He's so happy.

He mutes his notifications.

He has no idea what to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm making up all these urls/usernames off the top of my head, so if you see your url here... First of all, lol. Second of all, whoops.
> 
> I honestly don't know where I'm going with this au so I'm just gonna roll with it!


	3. Neil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for: detailed depiction of eating disorders (the first 3 paragraphs if you need to skip it), suicidal thoughts, one use of the t slur, transphobia, and Neil prioritizing others over himself like. A lot.

Anonymous sent you an ask: I feel like I'm losing myself. I haven't eaten anything in days and everytime I try I end up feeling sick to my stomach. My friends are worried and my dad won't stop asking questions. And I think my little brother might be eating less and I'm terrified it's my fault. This all started off as a small goal and now I'm way past it but I don't feel any different and 1/?

Anonymous sent you an ask: 2/? I don't know what to do anymore. My girlfriend says I should go to a hospital but I can't just erase all the progress I've made. I'm more popular and beautiful and in control than I've ever been and I don't know what I'd do if things went back to the way they were before. If I keep going on like this

Anonymous sent you an ask: 3/3 I think I'm going to die and honestly at this point I'm not sure that's such a bad thing. The only thing that keeps haunting me is I don't know what my brother would do. He's always looked up to me and tried to copy me with everything I do and I'm worried I'm screwing him over for life. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me.

Neil exits the app, trying to stop the panic attack that he can feel coming. His hands are shaking. 

What is he supposed to say to that? "Tell someone"? As if it's that easy. Who's to say this person will even listen to him? 

He opens his phone again and starts typing.

Robinshallrestoreamends answered: I'm so sorry you're going through so much. I know it's not easy, but I think the best thing to do would be to tell someone and try to seek help. I know that's a scary thing to do, but it sounds like you've got friends and family that are at least willing to listen. It's hard, but it'll be a lot better in the long run.  
Just reaching out, even if it's to some Tumblr blog, takes a lot of courage and strength, and I'm really, really proud of you for that. Please feel free to reach out to me again if you need anything. You've got this. <3

Neil stares at it, finger hovering over the post button. He sighs, and saves it to his drafts. It needs to be a lot better, but he has no idea what else to post right now.

He goes to his next notification.

Bikittykat sent you a message:  
She called me a tranny Neil

Neil's heart clenches. He's been messaging her back and forth for about 3 months now. She's 14, a trans girl, and lives with incredibly conservative parents. She had been outed by a 'friend' last week.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I'm so sorry Evelyn

Bikittykat  
I can't keep doing this

Bikittykat  
Everytime they open their mouths I get so scared

Bikittykat  
She just sat there insulted me and my dad didn't say a word

Bikittykat  
I can't make them happy

Bikittykat  
No matter what I do

Bikittykat  
I can't be their son and they won't let me be their daughter

Bikittykat  
And I'm so scared they're going to get tired of my shit and kick me out

Robinshallrestoreamends  
It's not ur fault. They're cruel ppl.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Is there anyone u could stay with for a while? Like a friend or anything?

Bikittykat  
No.

Bikittykat  
After Jade outed me and I got pissed everyone took her side

Bikittykat  
Alastor is the only that will even talk to me anymore and his parents are just as bad as mine

Bikittykat  
There's no way they'd let me stay

Robinshallrestoreamends  
What abt ur partner?

Bikittykat  
I live like two hours away from zir

Bikittykat  
Ze moved last year

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Oh

Bikittykat  
It's fine though

Bikittykat  
I'll just

Bikittykat  
Wait it out

Bikittykat  
It's only a few more years anyway

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I'm rlly sorry Evelyn

Bikittykat  
It's okay

Bikittykat  
Thanks for being there

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Of course

He waits a few more minutes, but she doesn't reply. 

Neil checks the clock. It's almost three am. He still has a lot of people to get to, but if he stays up much later he's going to oversleep and miss chemistry again. He bites his lip, and settles for answering one more person, then going to bed.

Barbaricyawp sent you a message:  
hi. so i don't really message people on here so forgive my awkwardness. but i noticed you reblogged one of my posts and it got. really popular. and i gained a lot of followers from it. so i just wanted to like. thank you for boosting it? if that makes any sense haha

Neil smiles a bit and goes to type back.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
No that totally makes sense! Ur all good :)

Robinshallrestoreamends  
And yea, ur totally welcome! I rlly loved ur poem. It felt so..

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Personal?

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Yet universal?

Robinshallrestoreamends  
It was just rlly well done 

Barbaricyawp  
oh, thanks. that's really nice of you.

Barbaricyawp  
but honestly my writings pretty shit to be honest. like that piece especially.

Barbaricyawp  
i only really post on here so i can get it out there without it clogging up my notes app, you know?

Is he serious? Neil's only read one piece, but it was incredible.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Makes sense ig

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I still think it's great tho! No takebacks >:)

Barbaricyawp  
lol. thanks.

Barbaricyawp  
i don't usually write a lot of queer poetry honestly. i grew up with like. really homophobic parents. so i'm still pretty nervous to explore that stuff?

Neil frowns. 

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Yea I get that

Robinshallrestoreamends  
My family's pretty bad too :/ 

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Ig that's why I spend so much time on this blog lmao

Barbaricyawp  
yeah.

Barbaricyawp  
i've seen your blog a lot, for sure. it must be cool to be so popular?

Neil swipes down the notification bar on his phone and stares at the unending pile of people, then looks at the clock. 3:16.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Oh yea. It's kinda fun haha

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Tbh I'm still not sure how it happened myself. It's a lot

Fuck, he's sounding like he's complaining.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
But it's nice helping people !

Barbaricyawp  
i'm sure. i wish i could impact people the way you do honestly

Barbaricyawp  
instead of just writing crap about myself

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Whaaat? No way!

Neil starts typing rapidly, his brain already going in nine different directions.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Art effects people too! It's such a vital form of connection tbh!

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Like a great piece of art can connect millions of people together

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Just through like...

Robinshallrestoreamends  
'Hey. That line sounds like me.' 'And me too.' 'Me too'

Robinshallrestoreamends  
And then boom. A world of people, isolated, that know they're not alone

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Like what u wrote abt in ur poem!!

He pauses to remember the exact line.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
'On the lips of boys sneaking kisses in the halls'

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Some people can get life by just living. It's enough

Robinshallrestoreamends  
But people who've suffered. People that get rejected. We're living in a society that inherently rejects us

He frowns. 

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Well not inherently actually

Robinshallrestoreamends  
But people are still convinced of that

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Anyway

Robinshallrestoreamends  
We need to know we aren't alone

Robinshallrestoreamends  
We need to connect

Robinshallrestoreamends  
But we don't always have people to connect with

Robinshallrestoreamends  
So we find our gods in material things

Robinshallrestoreamends  
And we find our will to live in poetry

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Like I felt so alone

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Then I read that line

Robinshallrestoreamends  
'On the lips of boys sneaking kisses in the halls'

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Millions of people like me have had the experience in the past

Robinshallrestoreamends  
And one day a million more will

Robinshallrestoreamends  
And I'm like oh

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I'm not alone

He sits back a minute, embarrassment quickly sinking in.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
God I'm rambling

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I'm so sorry haha

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Anyway

Barbaricyawp  
no. no don't apologize

Barbaricyawp  
that's like. the nicest thing anyone's ever said about anything i've ever said. 

Barbaricyawp  
or just ever.

Barbaricyawp  
wow. 

Barbaricyawp  
did you just like. think that just now?

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Uh kinda ig?

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I just think abt stuff like that a lot

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I don't usually tell ppl tho. 

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Just cuz it's kinda crazy sounding

Barbaricyawp  
no it isn't. 

Barbaricyawp  
you should post things like that.

Neil sighs.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
I mean... I used to? But now my blogs like. This totally different thing yknow? 

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Which I don't mind! It's just. Yea. Different stuff. 

Barbaricyawp  
if you say so.

Barbaricyawp  
anyways. i should probably get going?

Barbaricyawp  
sorry.

Robinshallrestoreamends  
Sure thing!

Robinshallrestoreamends  
And don't apologize. It was cool talking to u :)

Barbaricyawp  
you too

Barbaricyawp  
:)

Neil glances at the clock. 3:42. 

Christ. He's going to be so screwed tomorrow.

He plugs his phone in and lays down, trying to ignore the constant buzzing coming from it.

He's never been able to silence his phone. Silencing it feels like ignoring all the people trying to reach him. It makes him feel like an asshole.

But it's fine. He can sleep through it for now. He's used to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit this chapter got way longer than I expected lmao
> 
> Enjoy these quick updates, not sure how much longer they'll last for. But these past few days I've gotten a lot more writing inspo than usual so yea! Expect an update of There Will Be Light coming soon as well 
> 
> But yea. Hope everyone's enjoying it so far! Thanks so much to everyone who's read and commented already :)

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is considerablecolors if you'd like to stop by!


End file.
